If the answer is miserable but I dont want to get into it right now, fine-thanks still works. I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. If I say why and she responds with something easily done another time or only sort of appealing, Ill judge it against a nice evening of doing nothing and maybe pass. The Gladys response is a strategy where all anyone will ever see is you beaming at Pushy Neighbor, talking in a hugely positive way at Pushy Neighbor, and so on, but youre still getting to tell Pushy Neighbor to back the fuck off. Was he not getting back to her soon enough? All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. Nanani, that is absolutely true. Me: Not much, maybe laundry or whatever. I also dont hesitate to tell people, Id have to check my calendar, what about you? in response to this kind of question! And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). "Yes, the weekend always . I find mildly-but-not-entirely-absurd stock answers to be a good distraction. So whats the fallout if I tell her I need her help with something, and she refuses without a good reason (because she wants to play Minecraft or listen to a podcast)? I dont have any good answers because that particular form of domestic abuse excessively leaning on the partner for a deluge of small things to the point it is messing up the partners life is pandemic in American culture right now, nearly always but not always done by men to women. Your family is going to judge you for any serious answer you give anyway, so you might as well beat them to the criticism. Thats a way it can work, certainly, but why is it magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with no input if the person who first said lets hang out is then suggesting a time or activity, but something other than magically guessing if the person who first said lets hang out and is told yeah, we should is the one saying Saturdays are good for me, how about you? or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther? I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well. This will not go away. This one calls for what I call the Gladys response, because I saw it articulated by a woman named Gladys. Some other commenters have pointed out that sometimes people use this question as an conversation opener or in order to seem polite while they actually want to tell about their own plans. ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. Ive got a couple things going, do you have any plans? This says "I'm doing well.". I think thats why it can sometimes be difficult to answer? Of course, you can replace "great" with any adjective (positive or negative) that describes your day in a general way. Them We need to have lunch soon I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. What about you?. but I agreeparents of adult children (Hell, parents of NOT adult children) need to be more respectful of their childrens time and energy. These people arent trying to gotcha! I used this to train my mom to use text/email instead, because 1) I hate phone and 2) a written message means much less chances of either one of us getting the details wrong. Its okay that my body needs time to recuperate. I too wish I had the strength & Phoebe confidence to pull of that line. ooh. Good old traffic, Ill probably be stuck out all day!, or Nope, gotta get the groceries, what about you?, or Nah, looking forward to some peace and quiet, hows your Wednesday looking?. I know theyre just trying to be friendly but it gets exhausting that starting Wednesday I have to deal with so what are you up to this weekend and then AGAIN on Monday what did you do this weekend? (So I guess Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. The lines of dominance and power are what make this a problem. Ive spent some time in California and I never really know how to respond correctly. During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. One of the costs of challenging social rules is that it makes it harder for people to learn them. We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. Here are some fun things to do on weekends: Get Moving 1. But it needs to be a set rent, that can be codified and set down in a form you could use with any other adult, should the fancy take you. 3.If LW does not want to do the babysitting or isnt available for it on weekends, that should be a separate conversation with those people and maybe set of boundaries to discuss with them. Ok so Ive been wanting to go to this play, I was thinking of going to the Friday night show or the Saturday matinee, would you be interested in one of those dates?. Theres still room for her to refuse. I have a rule of thumb for stuff like this, which is sometimes with a passive aggressive person, I just aggressively pretend they asked me a direct question or made a direct statement, and will respond as though they did. You'll Get Eaten Last. 2. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! Tomorrow is the weekend! Neighbor! At least, it never has for me! I felt disliked, maybe undervalued, often embarrassed (and some of that came from my own brainweasles or ablism in broader society, not primarily my parents) but never unsafe. Rob: I'm just leaving for work. I love that you are into mountain biking! She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. When someone is fishing for a date or a maybe-babysitter, though, I turn it right back around on them. I tell her every chance I get that Im grateful for all the emotional labor she does with categorizing her friend groups. Im planning an event on Day, are you free? I say nothing much and the other person responds, yeah, its nice to be lazy sometimes, right? And I dont want to get into how no, its not lazy to need time to recuperate and our society puts too much pressure on needing to be constantly productive and not respect ourselves as people. I also feel compelled to give easy ways out when I feel like Im making a request, including ending requests with and no is a perfectly acceptable answer.. That would feel like a very odd response if I were making small-talk with the question. Other Half keeps the diary, I need to check.. Its great that you can come!. Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? Ill assume thats the case and check back later. Thats not cool.. But I dont want to? You have actually internalized a very common social rule. This way Im letting them know why in the same breath, and giving them a potential out. And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. Would it be possible for you in [date]. I usually end up saying something noncommittal like I might be doing xyz, but Im not sure yet why? and waiting to see what the actual deal is. Ex.1. I really wish I had some better scripts to deal with this stuff how do I limit our contact with her to a level where the kids and I are still happy to see her, without pissing her off? Because people look forward to the weekend, they often start talking about it as early as Wednesday. Its tiring. Cousin Charles is having a party, and I think it would be good if you showed up.. Good to know! That being said, I am always happy when I get to tell people that I dont answer that question because the answer gets me stereotyped and it keeps us from getting to know each other as individuals. (So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. 2. Giving my notebook a bath. The person is clearly saying something bigoted or 2. Humor is one of the best ways to respond to being asked out, as long as it's well-received. . Nothing much? and Im like yup and get back to work.) And with some people it is pretty transparently a question with the subtext of let me mooch off of your free time and/or the things you do in your free time are stupid and wrong. Sometimes its totally innocuous, as LW said. Oh man.I think this sort of thing bugs me because my dad very carefully taught me to ask/invite people for a specific activity/time precisely to avoid this scenario. I am fond of: Oh, you know how it is. Sometimes we dont have plans, but that doesnt mean Im willing to just let her do any old activity. 2. The mental stress is the same whether you interrupt a current rest period or interrupt the chance to get there before it before it starts. During this age of social media people get bombarded with Facebook invitations so much that they might very well ignore an invitation they usually would be interested in by accident (this has happened to me quite often; people would reach to me after the event and tell that they are really sad that they missed it). Yeah, I definitely use this question as way to be polite. Yes! If you have a new question, start a new topic. Thank you for a better way to ask this question. 1. Your parent or in-law will not die if they cant railroad your schedule. My friends do it alllll the time. Im asking because you absolutely will pay for it in terms of impacts on the long-term relationship with the person she will become. But different cultural norms! If I had a tail, I would wag it! The second part of this is being okay evaluating the specific invitations and turning them down if you dont want to do them. 1. Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. My suggested response in to this question is therefore is just, I have finished planning yet, or still not finalized possibly followed by what are you up to? This is fairly similar to the Ill need to check my calendar, suggestions and still works if you arent the sort of person who uses a calendar and youre talking to someone close enough to know that about you. Excellent insight and analysis. Tell me about you. You are doing things and going places. And when they do, you need to be prepared with the most appropriate reply to make the most of the situation. I also agree that this is a loaded question and it also makes me on edge when someone I do not know that well asks it. I clean up nice, don't I. I ask that question so I wont impose myself on someone by asking them to do something if they already have plans. I find that are you doing anything interesting this weekend? can come across as less pressuring than what are you doing this weekend? Not only does it focus the question onto peoples hobbies/interests, but the answer no, not really doesnt automatically mean that someone is free. Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. What to Say: "Thank you, I had a great weekend.". ME to GROUP CHAT: [Friend] and I are planning karaoke on [date] If you are available and interested, please let me know by [date] and Ill reserve a room! Can we not with passing judgement on the validity of the LWs feelings about this phrase? Sometimes we have plans that I can adjust if there is something she wants to do. How hard is it, whats the timing, is it just for me personally (thats a favor), or is it for the greater familyHER greater family? There are also times my kid can ask for help, and *I* dont get to say, eh, no, Id rather read a book. Not if I want to consider myself her family. If you have plans, just say so. If you're taking a vacation and staying home, your clients or coworkers may still expect you to pop into the office and answer their emails. So now as far as she knows, I am very very very busy. If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. A: Thanks, you too. W- Work free. I dont give any indication as to what I am up to until they tell me what they are up to. There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. Why do I feel entitled to some assistance or attention from the 24-year-old who lives in my home, taking up space, who pays nothing and does no chores (because shes too unreliable, and Id just be nagging at her, or doing them for her and pissing her off)? Then they can ask for details to make up their minds, or just shut you down with a no of preferred firmness if the event doesnt appeal. Our relationship got better when I moved out. If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. And do you trust the asker not pull a But you SAID you were free, that means YOU PROMISED!(for me, someone who puts pressure on/pouts/lays on a guilt trip after I say no to an invitation gets an automatic LOL NOPE FOREVER response. Why do I feel entitled to her assistance with something I am doing for her grandmother & grandfather while she sits in her room and plays Minecraft? By mentioning the weekend, it ' s a great segue to ask them what they ' re doing. Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. Unless your friends are kind of jerks they wont interrogate you about your exact schedule. If they want to tell you about their kids, they can. MY plans!) Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. That might be some of what LW is sensing in terms of it seems like you want to ask me but youre afraid: maybe for them, saying I would like to do X this weekend, can you come? is an invitation THEY would have a hard time refusing even if they didnt want to do it. Again with the caveat that you have to tell the person whom youve used as an excuse that youve done so! Am I supposed to answer? The most generic reply to a compliment is always going to be "thank you". Funny Responses to Rude Comments Sorry fella, I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today. Them : Ah, then Ill get back to you (They never get back to you). If you dont want to go, just say so. And she might feel hurt that Id rather do nothing than do something with her. See how thats all about you, and your kids, and not at all about her? have a Canadian accent that some USians pick up, and I dont mind if people ask if Im Canadian). Instead of saying: "I had a cheeky wine in the garden" Say: "I partook in an al fresco wine tasting. Folding the dishes. Ive learned also that its ok to be a deer in the headlights if Im caught off guard bc I can always invent something shortly after or next day and say whoops forgot I had x. They may be angling to invite you somewhere. Speaking about sudden change of moods and plans, and friends getting you: Several years ago, at the phone, ten minutes before a scheduled meeting with my friends in a pub to watch the incoming results of the Brexit referendum. (Say it like he or she is complimenting you even though he or she is not.) TootsNYC, why do you feel entitled to some of her time because shes a member of your family? Indeed. A simple, 'We hope you're doing well' will suffice," a Deadline editor tweeted. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. The same old answers get boring, so you should try a little bit of humor at times because you might make someone laugh instead of feeling awkward. If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. Them: We should have lunch soon. Every time you see Pushy Neighbor, you go into this mode. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. (Right Now): What are you doing sometimes means at the very present in which activity are you involved in? And found myself saying yes more often than I wanted to. Also works for the similar How ARE you? @Grant Us Eyes mentioned. If the person you're talking to has seen Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog, they'll appreciate the joke. Thinking of seeing [movie]. Especially if I have reason to suspect its just going to be some variation of wanna hang out? if you have something concrete to suggest, lead with that! But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe. Shes right to find it othering and exhausting. LW gets that this is all tied up with threats of violence. 3. It is handy because it has a friendly tone of I dont want to go into detail while still participating in the conversation. I agree that its fully fair to say things like, Oh, Toastmasters isnt my thing, but thanks! Thats exactly what I meant by a soft deferral. They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. My belief is that its easier to layer politeness onto a firm foundation of self-aware no than it is to find no after being trained to be obliging. Any request for someones time, regardless of the setting of the fun variable in your mind. Eating. Now the only person allowed to see my personal calendar is my husband, who is completely uninterested. Is it OK to invite the usual people? The pushback on needing brain time though makes sense. Its been pretty good policy.) Teaching my fish how to swim. I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange. This one is a bit tricky for me. is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. If I just say it sounds fun but Im not up to it, they respect that. Ive never found it made any difference at all for invitations its not like I told them how much time each activity Im doing will require or what other boring chores I will also be doing. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?". One morning when we were together he asked, So what are your plans for tonight? I said, Oh I dont know. a coworker you dont hang out with outside of work asking this question on a Friday) and as a pre-request/invitation. Rock the anger, LW. What are you up to this weekend? (huge smile) I told you that this is our private time and we will not be walking with you! I have some friends who are really passive about planning things and it drives me insane I have started actively responding what did you have in mind? and batting back all their attempts to make me plan the night. We assume you wont want to share all your more detailed baggage or bad news with someone you dont know very well and we are a little taken aback if you actually do because it indicates that you feel a level of closeness with us that we didnt necessarily feel with you. My workmates and I ask all the time stuff like what are you up to tonight/on the weekend? and its almost never a prelude to inviting them to something, its just small talk sharing our lives. What you are currently doing. Like I also find whatre you doing this weekend to be pretty normal but also can feel very intrusive, but if I had people in my life like the LWs who were using it to try to make me do things I didnt want to do while making it seem like they were not making me do things itd get to be a really irritating and hair-trigger question pretty fast. Who on earth does #4, besides a small boy under 6? Vagueing it up works for me. This is just a funny response to give because it is the opposite of what they had asked just you. Going back to work? More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. Wow, dear LW, that was a great message and it certainly gave me good points to think about. So of course, you tell her, youll all walk separately from now on (keep the cheery loud voice of happy certainty and smile hugely the whole time). Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. (Im a lady dating ladies btw, if thats relevant, though I have also dated men before and my experience is definitely colored by some of the emotional labor / potential gender-related danger issues some of the commenters pointed out thats spot on).